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Angela Johnston – columnist
Q: How should the topic of anal sex be approached? and How can I get my girlfriend interested in trying anal?
The topic of anal sex should be approached with a mixture of sensitivity and humour.
After all, sex is pretty funny when you think about it. Funny noises, funny faces and funny fluids are involved in pretty much all sex acts, including anal sex.
You could start by just asking (probably in a non-sexual context so there isn’t any pressure) if your partner has ever tried anal sex before and gauge the reaction you get.
If she totally shuts down, then leave the topic alone for a while. If she seems open to a discussion, continue on by saying you might be interested in trying it sometime if she were up for it too.
Just play it by ear and be extremely receptive to the responses you elicit. You could always quote Pansy Division’s 1994 song, “Ring of Joy.”
“It’s an orifice for elimination/ It’s an orifice for exploration/ Ring of joy, ring of joy/ A new discovery to enjoy/ Any girl or any boy/ Can exercise their ring of joy.”
I’d also like to send out some tips for anal sex success. Rectal skin can tear easily, making it very important (as always) to prevent the spread of STIs by wearing a condom. To prevent the spread of bacteria, the condom must be changed if you move from anus to vagina.
Lots of lube is important, though you don’t want to actually dump it into the rectum like the misogynistic butthole (pun intended) from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell allegedly did. Spit is not enough; buy a silicone or water-based lube.
Take things slowly. You can massage the outer anus and then, with permission, insert one finger (nail trimmed) to get things started.
Once your partner is ready for your penis, make sure you very slowly insert only one inch at a time.
Things can also get messy between the lube and the probability of feces. Some people recommend enemas prior to anal sex, but a towel to catch any spillage during sex will work just as well.
Opinion on the enjoyment of anal sex varies widely.
I once had a friend who considered access to the anus the biggest compliment a woman could bestow upon a man, but many people are disinterested or even disgusted by the act.
As an aside, prohibitive anal sex laws still exist in many countries, but I think it’s like Pierre Trudeau said: “There’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation.”
Is the prevalence (large increase) of anal sex and violence in porn videos a cause for concern?
For the sake of argument, I’m going to assume the anal sex and violence are combined. Violent sex in porn concerns me because we live in a society where many people unfortunately learn about sex from porn.
Not only is this a very misinformed way to learn, but it puts people at risk of internalizing some pretty dangerous ideas. I don’t want to get too in-depth about my views on porn right now, but violent sex in porn may encourage non-consensual violent sex in life.
Consenting adults can engage in role playing, but there is a difference between acting out violent sex and actually assaulting another unwilling person through sex.
Fantasy versus reality is a complex issue, and it is unwise to claim that everyone can easily distinguish the two. This also includes the legitimacy of the people in the video; you don’t know who they are, or how or why they got into the video.
The bottom line is that real violent sex can cause serious injury and emotional devastation.
Identify the ideas being promoted in what you watch, and use your critical thinking skills when it comes to choosing the types of media you want to support.