Angela Johnston, the griff’s resident sex columnist, explores sex and relationships each week in Between the Sheets. Send her your queries, and feel free to keep them anonymous.
Write her at sex@thegriff.ca.
Angela Johnston – columnist
Q: How should the topic of anal sex be approached? and How can I get my girlfriend interested in trying anal?
The topic of anal sex should be approached with a mixture of sensitivity and humour.
After all, sex is pretty funny when you think about it. Funny noises, funny faces and funny fluids are involved in pretty much all sex acts, including anal sex.
You could start by just asking (probably in a non-sexual context so there isn’t any pressure) if your partner has ever tried anal sex before and gauge the reaction you get.
If she totally shuts down, then leave the topic alone for a while. If she seems open to a discussion, continue on by saying you might be interested in trying it sometime if she were up for it too.
Just play it by ear and be extremely receptive to the responses you elicit. You could always quote Pansy Division’s 1994 song, “Ring of Joy.”
“It’s an orifice for elimination/ It’s an orifice for exploration/ Ring of joy, ring of joy/ A new discovery to enjoy/ Any girl or any boy/ Can exercise their ring of joy.”
I’d also like to send out some tips for anal sex success. Rectal skin can tear easily, making it very important (as always) to prevent the spread of STIs by wearing a condom. To prevent the spread of bacteria, the condom must be changed if you move from anus to vagina.
Lots of lube is important, though you don’t want to actually dump it into the rectum like the misogynistic butthole (pun intended) from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell allegedly did. Spit is not enough; buy a silicone or water-based lube.
Take things slowly. You can massage the outer anus and then, with permission, insert one finger (nail trimmed) to get things started.
Once your partner is ready for your penis, make sure you very slowly insert only one inch at a time.
Things can also get messy between the lube and the probability of feces. Some people recommend enemas prior to anal sex, but a towel to catch any spillage during sex will work just as well.
Opinion on the enjoyment of anal sex varies widely.
I once had a friend who considered access to the anus the biggest compliment a woman could bestow upon a man, but many people are disinterested or even disgusted by the act.
As an aside, prohibitive anal sex laws still exist in many countries, but I think it’s like Pierre Trudeau said: “There’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation.”
Is the prevalence (large increase) of anal sex and violence in porn videos a cause for concern?
For the sake of argument, I’m going to assume the anal sex and violence are combined. Violent sex in porn concerns me because we live in a society where many people unfortunately learn about sex from porn.
Not only is this a very misinformed way to learn, but it puts people at risk of internalizing some pretty dangerous ideas. I don’t want to get too in-depth about my views on porn right now, but violent sex in porn may encourage non-consensual violent sex in life.
Consenting adults can engage in role playing, but there is a difference between acting out violent sex and actually assaulting another unwilling person through sex.
Fantasy versus reality is a complex issue, and it is unwise to claim that everyone can easily distinguish the two. This also includes the legitimacy of the people in the video; you don’t know who they are, or how or why they got into the video.
The bottom line is that real violent sex can cause serious injury and emotional devastation.
Identify the ideas being promoted in what you watch, and use your critical thinking skills when it comes to choosing the types of media you want to support.
there is nothing legal about sex laws. Sex laws have progressively gotten more punitive over the years to to point that a person traveling to visit a friend or relitive must report within three days, must register their whereabouts and is legally confined to state or local areas, what is to keep the law from confining someone to a home? Placing someone in the custody of an individual? Who is to say that individual does not only want there siliver polished? What is next? Maybe forcing someone to sleep with someone they don’t know to save room? Isn’t that what is already being done in Motels where sex offenders are housed? Say a kid whats to have sex with someone, are they to be put to death for the desire, or say that someone is themselves through masterbation, what is the difference, when the outcome is a lifetime of monitoring by people that have no desire for companionship or intimacy? Sex laws are an imposition where law has no place too tread and what happens? Officers come and beat you up, throw you in jail and warn you to go back to a slaves existence created by unjust law? Expect you you regester or die in prison? Put you in a situations where you can’t defend yourself from the law? The intimidation organized by law is wrong concerning sex. So quite frankly sex laws are sex slavery and the courts are the traffickers using law enforcement to facilitate the law of slavery to an unjust system of abuse of freedom to move about the country or even from town to town, apartment, to apartment, person to person through laws concering sex and if equality were the goal then there would be no law, so then what is the ultimate goal as gender becomes the means by which a mother and her daughter can conspire to use men even their siblings through laws that have no defensive availability of proof other than word of mouth?