The day before I turned 18, Tinder banned me from signing up for their app. Fair play to them; I was testing the waters and didn’t adhere to their guidelines. But I digress.

I was no stranger to dating apps. The key takeaway from wanting to use dating apps was to, ‘Find love.’ It took a change in my Hinge location to London, a man who was oblivious to the failures of Alberta’s education system, and a failed first date at the Tansen Izakaya restaurant on Whyte Ave to realize that maybe I had high expectations for dating as a whole.

Or, I had high expectations when looking at the profile of every man I swiped left or right on. I scoured the love apps for you, looked through profiles on Bumble, Hinge and OkCupid and wondered, “What are some key things these dating apps missed out on?”

These key factors are what I call my “ideal dating app features”:

• NO GROUP PHOTOS: These are risky, and just plain stupid. What if I see a photo of you and your friends, and I like them more? It doesn’t hurt to be human without being the extension of your friend group. Group photos = permanent ban from the app.

• SAME OLD, NOTHING NEW: “I’m weirdly attracted to: You,” “[insert fish photos],” “I’m good at stealing back the hoodie you bor-” 

As a woman who dates the opposite sex, I see these “trying to be funny” quirks in a man’s bio frequently. I wish these answers would only be available to one person. I believe authenticity is the key to an ideal dating app or profile. It does not hurt to have a photo that makes you you. As an avid dating app user, a genuine answer to the prompt question tells me who you are as a person. Be clever, be funny and show your potential match you know yourself enough to be authentic. Nothing gives the ick faster than a human repeating “funny” answers like a robot.

• ARE YOU SURE?: If you’ve been on a swiping spree, you know the sinking regret of matching with someone you did not mean to swipe right on. It would be nice to have a questionnaire for matching with people. Sometimes, we swipe right accidentally, and it wastes the free likes/swipes. Maybe a little “Are you sure you wanna swipe right?” would help me recant my decisions about chatting with new people and meeting up with them. 

• SAFETY MEASURES: It’s no secret that dating can be dangerous, and dating online is no exception. Anyone who makes a dating app should recognize safety precautions and measures as essential features. By having safety features on my ideal app, like ‘Snitch on you to your mother’ features, or an Uber-esque rating feature after first dates, people would be more aware of what red flags to look out for and when. I wish I had safety measures back then. 

With Valentine’s Day approaching, many single people find themselves in the pits of hell of online dating. I am one of those people, still to this day. While we scavenge for people to spend time with, intimately or platonically, we must remember to be safe and maintain our standards as much as we maintain how we appear to others.

I’m saying that we can’t be stupid in love while expecting to be loved. Good luck out there!

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Graphic by Dana Inzon