Mar. 21 to Apr. 19

Jeez, Aries, you were out of character this summer. Minimal social contact must have been good for you. As you enter the new semester, you’ll be put to the test—A LOT! You’re a hot-headed freak with enough emotional baggage to crash a plane. Make sure to keep your head up and fists down if you want to stay (relatively) sane.

Apr. 20 to May 20 

Unlike Aries, your personality is calm and soft-spoken. Remember to keep that as you roll into September. There’s going to be challenges in your work that involve juggling 10 different tasks with rollerblading through downtown Edmonton after an Oilers loss. Once the shitstorm of tasks sucks you up like Kiernan Shipka in the intro of Twisters, a relaxing vacation might be needed once you land. Good luck, Taurus!

June 22 to July 22

Cancer, this summer was a transformational time for you. New year, more opportunities to meet new people and head out on new adventures. But let’s be real… adventures? In this economy? Maybe you should just join some clubs this year. 

Jul. 23 to Aug. 22

Turn those projects into cold hard cash! Your sign is entering the *MONEY ZONE*. You might be asking, “What in the world is the *MONEY ZONE*?” Well, it means you’re gonna have hella confidence going into this semester, which can only mean you’ll find some extra cash. Save money or spend it—the *MONEY ZONE* cares not. 

Sept. 23 to Oct. 23

I can’t with you, Libra. You overwhelm yourself to astronomical (hehe) proportions. Take a deep breath in and launch your phone over the Walterdale Bridge as you exhale. Sleep for 72 hours straight. Tell your profs your doctor told you to. You’ve been doin’ TOO much. 

Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 

Ah, Scorpio, how you’ve blossomed into a social butterfly this season. This city is great for the extroverted! There’s so much opportunity to people-watch 18-year-olds who’re drunk off two vodka crans and stumble around with vapes on Whyte. Alternatively, you could also spend your time following up on some of your life-long goals, like beating up dangerous murderers or becoming a dangerous murderer! 

Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Capricorn, we’re going on an adventure. Plan a big trip, go for a long hike, or find (ANOTHER) hobby to engulf yourself in until it consumes your mind, body, and bank account. The important thing for you this month is to step outside of your comfort zone and shake off the status quo. 

Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Cuffing season starts off with getting cozy, and now is the time to do it. Find someone to build a deeper bond with. Gone are the days of FWBs and booty-calls—it’s time to grow up. Invest in a genuine relationship, whether it’s romantic or friendly. But don’t blame us if it doesn’t work out. We’re not fortune-tellers!