You think I’m stupid, I’m not going to war.
Donald Trump hasn’t given up on discussing the annexation of Canada and its integration as the 51st state. So, while armed conflict between the two countries remains a not-distant-enough possibility, are you prepared for the potential of Canadian conscription? The majority of Canadians disapprove of the hypothetical takeover. Prominent Canadian politicians oppose Trump’s aspiration of Canadian conquest, from Justin Trudeau to Pierre Polievre, the N.L. Premier Andrew Furey to the Sask. Premier Scott Moe. And it’s not just Doug Ford who thinks that “Canada’s not for sale,” Mike Myers sported a “Canada’s Not for Sale” shirt while guest starring on Saturday Night Live.
For many Canadians, mandatory conscription is just a thing of the past, something we may have heard our great-grandfathers speak about when we asked about the world wars. But, potential mass conflict means potential mass conscription of citizens, which young Canadians want to avoid. Per a Research Co. study administered to 1,000 Canadians last July, 57 per cent of respondents aged 18 to 27 opposed men-only conscription. Though, when these respondents considered conscription for men and women, the opposition jumped down to 50 per cent.
So, how to dodge the draft? Looking at the strategies that citizens of other countries use to legally dodge mandatory conscription, students can claim they are busy with studies, and people with physical and mental disabilities can claim they are unfit to serve accordingly.
Of course, there is the less ethical option of lying about all of these conditions. Perhaps one could take a page out of Trump’s book when dodging the Vietnam War, and once the education excuse doesn’t work anymore, fake an injury that prevents you from serving. According to Michael Cohen, one of Trump’s previous lawyers, the current President of the United States once said, “You think I’m stupid, I wasn’t going to Vietnam.”
For these lies, you’ll want to make sure it’s not something life-threatening, so you’ll be able to keep up with the conflict from home and prop up the wartime economy by working your job that will still be relevant in wartime. After all, the customers and shareholders always matter, right?
While it may seem unethical to fake illnesses and psychological issues, bribe officers, or attend school to dodge conscription, participating in armed conflict also remains “unethical” to most people. Just ask yourself, would you rather be forced into the position to kill another human, or to be labelled a draft dodger?
If anything’s on the table to avoid serving, why not appeal to reactionaries by using their cultural talking points? Historically, Canada has never drafted women for military service, though that could change with the need for a large number of troops to fight a nationalistic war.
If you’re a woman looking to avoid conscription, why not argue that women serving goes against “traditional values” and will “destroy Western civilization” and only serve to weaken our country against “foreign threats”? Take notes from the odd homemaking videos on the Instagram Explore page, which always seem to signal something more than just making bread, and often seem to promote a lifestyle of women returning to “traditional roles”.
So, to recap, here’s how to dodge the war:
- Consider any legitimate reasons you’re unable to serve
- If there are none, illegally dodge by faking injury, bribing, or spreading reactionary ideas, and stoop to the level of the warmongers by throwing away all ethics for your own selfish gain.
- Enjoy life at home, which will definitely NOT be impacted by armed conflict at home and abroad.
Graphic by Amanda Erickson
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