ARIES
Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
It seems like your friends are bullying you over some VERY questionable life decisions. The only logical way to understand how to solve your problems is to hit the penjamin until it speaks to you in the voice of Morgan Freeman.
Taurus
Apr. 20 to May 20
Is there something you’ve been cookin up that you just want to throw away? Let’s be honest, you’ve put in way too much time and energy into this project to not see it through. Whatever you’ve got going on is something that will bring light to the world.
Gemini
May 21 to June 21
There’s something your body has been trying to tell you… Drink some fucking water! Like, actually just consume every last drop from the MacEwan pool because your body is running off of stale Tim’s coffee and Bang energy drinks.
Cancer
June 22 to July 22
Cancer, you are on high stress alert this month. I’m talking DEFCON 1! You have a lot of problems to work through and not enough funds to afford a real ass therapist. So, you turn to a university horoscope to solve your problems, but your body is already telling you what you need to do: CHILL OUT!
Leo
Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Feeling a little homesick lately? Luckily the semester is almost over but in the meantime try to find out more about your family history, this will help you feel closer to them but tread lightly, you never know what you’ll find lurking in the depths of your DNA.
Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Damn Virgo, you’re looking a little spicy this month! It might not be love, but it’s definitely something you’re going to enjoy over and over and over again. In your kitchen. And the living room. Probably the bathroom and bedroom. Hey, maybe even the third floor of the library. Live a little, you know.
Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 23
Sounds like someone might be a little stressy. This month is about passion, something that you are severely lacking. — if you don’t believe us, just ask your partner (or a friend, lol.) Once you let go of the paralyzing thoughts, a happy surprise will show itself.
Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It’s finally your month, Scorpio. You have an exorbitant amount of passion but you’re putting it towards the wrong person. It’s time to say goodbye to your high school love affair. Be ready for something new to appear shortly after.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Instead of biting your fingers off in a fit of rage, you need to learn how to express your emotions in a productive way. Try taking up art or dance, maybe write out your feelings or all caps incels on the internet for fun.
Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
I know you always want to be right (and most times you are,) but this month you need to focus on saying ‘Yes!’ to the things that scare you, just like you’re stumbling around on Whyte with your best friends. Just because it doesn’t seem like the best idea doesn’t mean it won’t be fun.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
All I see are pets coming in your future. Lots of them. Go to the nearest pet shelter (adopt, don’t shop) and bring them all to your house. Let’s face it, it might be the only thing keeping you from completely losing your mind this semester.
Pisces
Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
A big change is expected for you, but you have to finish what you’ve started. Whether it’s (another) crochet hat, a project for class, or burying the bones of your psych prof in the River Valley, wrap it up. Don’t ignore it, or else you may soon be sitting down across from a powdered donut with a badge.