Invading foreign countries for oil and gas? So 2001. Say hello to rare earth elements (REEs), uranium, and freshwater — enough to outpace China in the AI arms race. All of it just sitting up north, ripe for the picking — or so your rich friends tell you.

But the reality is that annexing a country isn’t as simple as buying Twitter. And it’s certainly not as easy as Putin made it sound during your last pillow-talk. Putin might have told you that nobody cares about Crimea. Can you even point to it on a map? Go ahead, I dare you. 

Putin never had to worry about the Electoral College — his elections come pre-decided. You, however, still have to act like America is a democracy. And when all the eligible voters from Canada, (there’s close to 34 million people 18 and over) are dropped into the system, the GOP won’t just struggle for relevance — it’ll vanish. You wanted to cement your legacy? Congratulations, you just made ‘republican’ a historical term.

With nearly 41.6 million people, Canada wouldn’t just join the U.S. — it would dominate it. With an average congressional district population of 765,000, Canada would hold about 57 electoral votes, taking California’s place in the lead with 54, and that’s just as a single state. But let’s be real, you wouldn’t stop at one. Alberta and Quebec barely tolerate being in the same family — now you expect them to share a bedroom? No, Canada becomes 13 states overnight, and just like that, you make us the most powerful voting bloc in America with at least 100 electoral votes. Worse yet, the House of Representatives stays capped at 435 seats, so those new Canadian seats wouldn’t be extras, they’d come at the expense of existing U.S. states. 

And what would they do with these electoral votes, you may ask? 22 per cent of Canadians might vote for you. But don’t count your ballots yet — that’s provided you were a Canadian Candidate. In fact, only 13 per cent of Canadians would welcome annexation, and 100 per cent  of us are known to hold grudges. It’s bad news at the polls, Mr. Trump. 

But as much as it brings me joy to imagine the USA’s shareholders’ faces when Canada elects a pretty boy like Trudeau to the oval office — flashing his award winning smile while he puts in environmental regulations, carbon taxes, labour protections, and all manner of things that keep American corporations up at night — I have a raging migraine just imagining you explaining to the Republican Party that you stole their carefully constructed electoral dominance, then traded it away so that Manitoba and Newfoundland could have a say in who runs the USA.

Mr. Trump, what if I told you there was another way to have what you really wanted?A country that’s just one big Trump Rally, as far as the eye can see? The Democrats and Republicans  tried making amends after the Civil War, but let’s face it: you two hate each other now more than ever. Clearly, staying together for the kids isn’t working — it’s time to sign the divorce papers. A process I recall you being intimately familiar with. But where do all those newly emancipated Democrats go? 

Simple: give them to Canada. That’s right, we’ll take every state that’s been voting blue without interruption for the past ten elections. Why would you want them anyway?

Think about it. Washington state? A socialist wasteland of unemployed pot-smoking non-binary baristas where rain never stops, the rent never drops, and you can throw a rock blindfolded in any direction and hit a tent full of fentanyl, but good luck finding your catalytic converter. It may as well already be downtown Vancouver. Oregon? A state where it’s illegal to use a plastic straw but perfectly fine to open a heroin dispensary next to a preschool. And California — housing is unaffordable, the streets are unlivable, and the forests catch fire more often than Hunter Biden’s crack pipe. Hollywood’s elite will have you believe that guns are the biggest threat to the safety of American children — but the real danger? Leaving your kid at a Nickelodeon audition. 

Illinois? A state so corrupt, its officials serve a term in prison for every term in office. 

Speaking of corruption — then there’s New York. Once your home state, now collapsing faster than Biden on a staircase. A rat-infested liberal nightmare where crime is “restorative justice,” the subway is a rolling psych ward, and the only thing higher than the taxes is the number of people fleeing to Florida. Rhode Island is so small it could fit inside a Walmart parking lot, but somehow still has worse roads. And New Jersey — well, imagine New York got drunk and fell into a swamp. That’s New Jersey.

“Oh right, Delaware” — Delaware’s state motto. Pretty much just a P.O. Box with a coast line.

Massachusetts? A giant, smug, tweed-wearing ivy league campus where trust fund kids studying for PHDs in “decolonial basket weaving” will tell you you’re a fascist, then smirk when the Gestapo locks you up for not injecting yourself with whatever snake oil Fauci is peddling that week. Half the state already sounds like Justin Trudeau with a head injury, anyway. 

Then there’s Hawaii, the birthplace of Barack Obama — sorry, allegedly. Practically a timeshare owned by your business rivals — I mean, its governor is just a bunch of all-inclusives stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.

And New Mexico — get real, you don’t even like the old one. 

Connecticut, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, and Vermont? Let’s be honest — they’ve been trying to sneak into Canada for years.

Now I know what you’re thinking — what’s the catch? What if I told you there is none? Think about the inner peace you’ll gain, Mr. President — no more Hollywood shoving POC live action Disney princesses down your throat — brainwashing America’s children with their woke DEI agenda. No more ivy league “experts” publishing big-pharma funded research claiming vaccines work. No more drag queen story-hours indoctrinating kids while the radical left destroys the sanctity of women’s sports. Gone are the Silicon Valley overlords censoring conservative voices and pushing woke 5G mind control through your iPhone. Sure, you might take a tiny hit in GDP, but think of the cultural gains! The pure, blue-collar, God-fearing America of your white-picket wet dreams, where men drive trucks, women bake pies, and megacorporations thrive without woke bureaucrats demanding they prove their chemicals aren’t setting rivers on fire. 

And for you Mr. President? Just think of millions of Democrat voters gone in one fell swoop. The electoral map won’t just be red, it’ll be so red, even Georgia and Arizona will stop pretending to be swing states. This isn’t just a deal — it’s the second coming of Reagan, the manifest destiny do-over, the final, glorious purge of woke tyranny from the land of the free. It’s your chance to finally Make America Great Again. This isn’t just a deal — it’s the deal of the century.

Oh, and one more tiny little hiccup — Washington, D.C., America’s first and only fully operational crime syndicate, and a long standing Democrat stronghold. We’ll take it off your hands — you’ll just have to relocate the White House. 

But you don’t strike me as a man that lets something as touchy-feely as tradition stand in the way of a great real estate deal. Relocating the White House is ultimately a small price to pay for a complete repeal of environmental and labour regulations. Who needs Canadian freshwater, uranium, and REEs when you have unregulated access to the entirety of the U.S.’s natural resources without those tree-hugging liberals crying about carbon emissions? Not to mention the sea of blue-collar, red-voting workers that think unions are commie propaganda.

So, with that in mind, might I suggest relocating the White House to Mar-a-Lago? You can run the country from the 13th hole while personally overseeing New Trump Tower construction in what used to be the Everglades.

Sincerely but never yours,

Canada