Should all Canadians wield the power to revoke citizenship?

Over 375,000 Canadians have attached their name to their visceral desire to snatch away Elon Musk’s Canadian passport. The Petition to remove Musk’s Canadian citizenship for “going against the national interest of Canada” and for his “attempts to attack Canadian sovereignty” opened its doors on Feb 20 2025 thanks to MLA Charlie Angus. As the signatures grow, they spark the flame of a national debate: should lab grown troglodytes even be allowed to gain Canadian citizenship in the first place? 

How in the world can Elon call himself Canadian when he doesn’t even think it’s a real country? 

Well, back in the 1970s, the American government was heavily invested into genomic research hoping to create what they termed the “anti-Canadian”. Part of operation “Howdy Neighbour”, the plan centred around one question: Can we create a being so unlikeable, so unpleasant, so Un-Canadian, that it could one day become a billionaire puppeteer to a sickly orange muppet? 

Elon Musk’s progenitor Errol Musk was hand picked for privilege by being a South African businessman of English descent and an unqualified minority DEI hire awarded ownership of an emerald mine. Thanks apartheid. Scientists extruded the only viable subject from its tube giving it a chance to germinate in the inequitable environment. The specimen was raised on a strict diet of wealth and privilege, doting on its every whim so as not to stress the flabby cherub in its nascent stage. 

Great care was taken during the formative years to ensure no contact with the plebian class that situated his silver spoon soul. Supplemented by his father’s racism, his schooling included instruction in insular intellect, excelling in exclusion, and maligning migrants. His elementary education complete, operation “Howdy Neighbour” moved into the next phase. 

The creature was placed amongst Canadians in 1989 to absorb the social mores and customs of the country it was designed to destroy, just in time to avoid serving the country from which his family had extracted so much. Smuggled into the country via the cargo hold disguised as a pygmy hippo on tour of local zoos, his mother Maye Musk, arranged for master forgers to craft a Canadian citizenship impervious to suspicion. Mrs. Musk chose a province no one has heard of since it most likely does not exist; Saskatchewan. 

The second stage of “Howdy Neighbour” saw initial success. The specimen followed the archetype of osmosis to assimilate into Canadian society, learning how best to exploit the weaknesses of its host country. Once of age, the specimen enrolled in Queens university to pursue a bachelors of fine arts, in science. The aim was to learn only surface level information about the world, carefully avoiding academic subjects challenging previous teachings. Curating a knowledge set described as “a few metres wide and a centimetre deep” his ego began inflating to volumes previously not thought possible, instilling an unwarranted attitude of superiority. 

Then the unthinkable happened.

Sometime in the mid 90’s the specimen escaped containment of Canada’s

dumping ground (Southern Ontario) crossing the border into America. Despite the millions of government funding invested in Operation “Howdy Neighbour” the worst case scenario was now reality. The specimen, no longer responding to its master’s commands, had by all appearances developed a mind of its own fuelled by the putrid discharge from a 24 hour news cycle. United States government agents sprung into action by pinning all the blame on Bob Dole and destroying all incriminating documentation before sitting back and letting this catastrophe resolve itself.

The specimen now fully grown is a grotesque mockery of the human form, a funhouse mirror reflection that distorts an otherwise recognizable figure. Musk learned his cues for human interaction from social media by placing inordinate amounts of self worth on external validation. He constantly consumes companies to portray himself as some kind of “Technoking” and humanity’s sole hope for exploding skywards in a stainless steel SpaceX phallus. A creature this abhorrent could never exist on a round earth.

Now as Canadians turn their eyes to South of the border, watching in horror and

amazement as the wealthiest “person” in the world enacts the future of ketamine fuelled destruction they were spared, pause must be given to reflect upon a singular question: Is it time for Canadians to revoke Elon Musk’s Canadian citizenship?

Vote for your answer here:https://www.ourcommons.ca/petitions/en/Petition/Sign/e-5353

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Graphic by Forrester Toews