SAMU executive committee POSTER ROASTER

by griff staff | Mar 3, 2017 | Campus | 0 comments

In preparation for the upcoming election, the griff staff took a shot at the Executive Committee hopefuls. The candidates were given the opportunity to send in their posters. Those that responded were put before a panel of some of our staff and volunteer writers, who didn’t hold back.

The candidates below are griff-approved, because they don’t take themselves too seriously, and let us tear them apart.

Parvin Sedighi

Parvin looks like she just let out a fart and is, like, trying to conceal it.
Her colour scheme is McDonald’s, but classy.
She’s like halfway to a smile, but she knows that politicians aren’t allowed to smile.
Nice blazer, try-hard. “I’m running for an office, I need to wear a blazer, probably.”
That’s what was going through her head. You know, that and trying to conceal a fart.
She bought that blazer at Reitmans this morning.
It’s her blazer from being a manager at McDonald’s.

Hyrum Sutton

He’s just a casual guy, walking down the street.
“I play football.”
He hangs up his poster in the classrooms that he talks to, and then he’s like “I’m wearing the exact same outfit.”
“I promise to wear the same clothes every day I’m in office.”
It’s quite a dirty old parking lot this guy has found himself in.
Where is he? “I plan to be external from MacEwan in the way of being down the street.”
I don’t like the pose. He for sure posed, like knowing it was cold out, and took his jacket off so he could look casual.
You can see his muscle shirt underneath. You’re supposed to edit the wife beater out.

Luis Ruiz

It looks like he’s leaning in for a kiss, but he’s not sure.
“Sir, I’d love to take your daughter to prom.”
It kind of looks like he’s wearing his grandpa’s jacket.
It looks like he’s accosting you in the hallway. “Do you have a second to talk about Jesus?”
Did he come in on like a Sunday? There’s no one in there. There’s no one in those seats, and there’s always people in those seats. He took this photo before the semester even started.
The reason he looks so uncomfortable is because he asked each person sitting in those seats to leave.
“I can make change happen. There will be more study space because I will ask them to leave if you vote for me.”

Jared Millions

Nice meme, bro.
It kind of looks like he shit his pants, and that’s the moment he realized.
He’s getting really ready to run away, that’s how he’s preparing.
I think the funniest part is that he knows he has a real chance.
There’s a space between the word “sports” and the exclamation point…. I can accept jokes, but I can’t accept that.

It looks like he smoked a ton of weed before he took this photo and it’s not edited at all.
This was right after he shit his pants.
He looks like a guy who was denied a high five.
He’s sponsored by Nike.

Tansy Spyker

Tansy Spyker sounds like a cop who’s gone bad.
“I’m blonde and I like pink, you should vote for me.”
She has two different hair colours in these posters.
She was playing with the Barbie app and made herself blonde.
How can we trust her when we don’t even know what her true hair colour is?
She is very against necklines below the collarbone.
Tansy Spyker: a modest candidate.
She read a post that said 30 per cent of people vote for blondes and 30 per cent vote for brunettes, so she did both.

Rebekah Rychliski

I don’t trust a candidate who won’t show me her hands.
She is so ready for Sunday school.
She’s hiding a knife behind her back.
It’s like, you know when you have a relative and they’re like, “Oh, you’ve grown,” and you’re like, “Yeah, totally, grandpa.”
It’s like when you piss off your mom in public, but she can’t get mad at you yet.
That’s just an objectively bad place to take a photo.
The concrete symbolizes that she’s a solid candidate.
You know there’s someone studying on the couch over there, and she’s trying to take a photo and not be too crazy with her smile because she knows someone’s watching her.

Shawn Gagnon

This poster is called ”Literally MS Paint.”
Isn’t he the president of the video game club? You’d think he’d know someone who could use any program ever.
If Parvin’s face was the one who had just ripped a fart, his is the one that’s trying to hold it in until after.
Shawn Gagnon promises to be the most casual, t-shirt wearing president you’ve ever seen.
He wanted to borrow Parvin’s blazer, but she wouldn’t give it to him.
He promises to wear fancy clothes once he’s elected.

Stephanie Nedoshytko

She looks like she’s only like 13.
She looks like the babysitter who doesn’t break into the wine cabinet.
She looks like one of those life-size dolls.
She named the doll Stephanie.
She looks like a cross between Grade 9 grad and PTA mom.
“I’m using bright blue, because bright blue is in this season.”
She’s channelling Hillary Clinton with that blazer.
She’s like the genie from Aladdin. Look at the bottom, she’s blending into the blue. “I’m the only president that can make your dreams literally come true.”
Regardless if you vote for her, if anyone rubs the SAMU lamp 3 times, she will come out.
I’ve never had a president rule over anything who’s like 14 years younger than me.

Robbie Lepp

It’s young Santa Claus.
He spends Sunday afternoons at Pier 1.
It really looks like a Christmas card with the ribbons and snow.
Happy Holidays from Robbie.
“My wife just left me,” but he’s keeping it together and still sends out his Christmas card.
“This is where I buried the bodies.”
I feel like he’s the type to totally bash your musical taste.
He definitely went to a craft brewery after this.
Also his name is Robbie Lepp, which is too close to Johnny Depp for me.
He’s Johnny Depp’s weird clone.
“I’m a risk taker; I wear sweaters in the snow.”
Or he’s just unprepared.
“If you vote for me, you can find me in my woods office”

It’s like he used iMovie and took one of the transitions and put his face in it.
He went to one of those photo machines at Galaxyland and was like, “Hey look, Wild West.”
He looks like a guy who’s really tired of being called a hipster because he just doesn’t like to shave and is dirty. “I’m not a hipster I just don’t take care of myself.”

Andrew Marriott

He reminds me of Jim Carrey when he was trying to be a more serious actor and did The Number 23, and nobody took him seriously.
The photographer behind the camera was directing him, like, “Give me ‘I’m upset with my life, and I need something very visceral to bring some light into it,’” and then he gave this look.
“Give me a good squint like your life is nothing to you.”
“I’ve got facial hair and I’m not afraid to use it.”
Five years ago he definitely shopped at Hot Topic.
He’s the kind of guy who’s got a studded belt still in his closet.
He’s probably got it on.
He looks like he’s got a permanent slouch.
He’s got a wallet chain. The only candidate with a wallet chain. “I’m in touch with the youth.”

Devin Tuttle

It looks like a propaganda poster.
His expression is like “I will dominate this country in five years, no matter what.”
Devin Tuttle: I will for sure coup if I lose.
He wants you to think that’s natural light, but his friend just has a flashlight.
He looks like he just found out that someone let him be roasted on a poster roast.
Devin Tuttle goes to Cook County like every weekend.
He probably does keg stands in his sleep.
Devin Tuttle is bros with Taylor Hall.
He looks like he would whisper “Tuttle” as he walks.
“No time, gotta Tuttle!”

Jason Garcia

He’s got that “I know I’m gonna win” look.
How much bigger can you put re-elect?
The poster might as well say “Do it again, you know you want to.”
It’s too close to comic sans for me.
You know he’s fun at parties.
The level of confidence is astounding.
Of all of the WordPress choices, why choose “life”?
“I was just in the Metro newspaper, so…”
It looks like he’s posing in front of a toothpaste factory.
You know he’s thinking, like “I’m not moving anything out of my office. No matter who gets in, I’m going to come back every day and rearrange all of their stuff like mine was. Oh, I thought this was my office. I wasn’t elected? Okay, see you in a bit.”

All posters supplied by candidates. Cover by Thai Sirikoone, edited with photos by Crosa and Ricardo Reis. CC BY SA.

This article was edited to remove hurtful comments.

griff staff

The Griff