the grief: Anti-bike candidate for mayor promises “car lanes” if elected

Ford Driver, a mayoral candidate in the upcoming Edmonton municipal election, says that if he’s elected, the city’s roads will get new special lanes built just for cars.

“Bicycles have been getting all of this special space built just for them,” says Driver. “It’s about time cars got the same treatment.”

Over the past mayoral term, the City constructed over 15 km of new protected bike lanes, shared roadways, and paths. Driver plans to build “at least” 15 km of car lanes, which would give drivers a way to get to where they need to go unimpeded by “slow, squishy pedestrians and cyclists,” he says.

Driver explains he has been hearing from constituents who are annoyed about the amount of space taken up by bike lanes, and say that space could be better used by vehicles 10 to 20 times the size.

“When I commute by myself in my two-ton, 17-foot long car every day, it’s like ‘wow, how am I supposed to even drive in this city when one-quarter of the road is taken up by a bike lane,’” says downtown resident Dodge Charger. “I’m always wishing I had lanes like that.”

Local cycling enthusiast Ance Larmstrong weighed in just days after a near-death experience when a speeding Jeep cut him off by mere inches.

“This is the first close call I’ve had — usually I just get hit,” says Larmstrong. “ I fully support Driver’s plan because if cars had dedicated lanes to drive in, this wouldn’t be a problem.”

When asked what else Driver has planned for Edmonton, he pointed to the city’s recently constructed bike racks and corrals, saying, “maybe we could come up with something like this for cars — some sort of lot where drivers can all go to park in the same area.”

Words: Bob Biker

the grief: Trudeau makes campaign promise to vaccinate all Canadians

If re-elected in the 2023 federal election, the Liberal Party of Canada (LPC) promises to get a COVID-19 vaccine to all Canadians, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced Monday.

“We’ve made great strides, having already vaccinated seniors aged 92 and up, firefighters who work more than 44 hours per week, and professional bowlers,” said Trudeau. “If I’m elected for another five-year term two-and-a-half years from now, I really think we can get this thing done.”

The announcement came in response to growing public criticism that the federal government has been distributing the vaccines too slowly. So, shortly after the announcement, the LPC released a seven-year vaccine rollout plan, which says provinces will receive enough vaccines to inoculate health care staff working directly with those who have been infected by mid-2022. Vaccines will be available to the general public after the election “when we feel ready,” reads the plan.

Conservative Party of Canada leader Erin O’Toole called the announcement “ridiculous,” in a statement to the press the day of the announcement.

“The vaccine should be going up for auction, where it will fetch three — maybe four — thousand dollars per dose, easy,” O’Toole said. “The liberals are taking way too long to get the vaccine to those who need it: people who have a lot of money for campaign donations.”

Words: Gene Splicer

the grief: Biden approves Keystone on one condition

In an unexpected turn of events, President Joe Biden has announced the Keystone pipeline’s approval from Alberta into the USA.

This news should have been a cause for celebra tion in Alberta, but it comes with surprising conditions. “We have decided that after the extensive investment, it is only right to work with our neigh bours to the north. Therefore, I will approve the Keystone pipeline pending an agreement that it will only be used to transport maple syrup,” said president Biden in a press conference Monday night.

This announcement has turned two foes into unlikely allies as premier Jason Kenney and environmental groups have joined forces to oppose Biden’s proposal. “This is absolutely unacceptable. The only thing that flows out of Alberta is oil and taxpayer money spent on failed pipelines,” said Premier Kenney in a fit of rage.

Environmentalists have a slightly different view as to why this is a terrible idea. “The product is an edible one, but that doesn’t change the danger. One big spill and it will be a very sticky situation for any animal in the wake of a maple syrup leak,” said environmentalist Summer Wind.

Wind admits she never thought such a sweet Canadian resource could further sour the already salty relationship between the two politicians. However, she agrees that maple isn’t the answer and that the only thing that should be flowing is better and greener ideas.

Words: Candy Maple