Originally published on November 1, 2024.

Greetings, traveller, and welcome to the great, arcane college of MacEwan University. It is here where heroes are born — but first, you must choose a class.

Communications — Ranger

What may be the weakest class, rangers are adaptable, picking up scraps and foraging for survival. As natural adventurers, you may find rangers picking up freelance contracts and doing odd jobs. The ranger is a jack of all trades and is usually a little annoying. Despite that, they have an undeniable cool about them. 

Commerce — Rogue

Swindlers, hucksters, movers, and shakers. Despite the rogue’s usually dishonest methods of earning, they live as unapologetically honest members of society. Easy to hate when they’re getting one over on you, and easy to love when they share the wealth, rogues will swindle their way into some loose coins by any means necessary. Except when they skip class to drink at the local tavern, Towers.

Nursing — Fighter

Oh, you thought the nursing students would be a healer? Having what may be the highest pain tolerance on campus, fighters are clearly the toughest motherfuckers at MacEwan. They actually do hard classes. Without these noble and disciplined warriors, society would surely crumble in on itself. We thank you, brave, frontline fighters!

Computer Science — Wizard

Wizards have a supreme understanding of arcane, esoteric lore. They will spend years studying the inner workings of their incantations to harness the limitless potential of their arcane codes. Many wizards are still in awe of the old masters and their mastery over simpler, more elemental magics, like the guy who invented the World Wide Web. Oftentimes, wizards develop new spells not to gain favour with a faction, but purely for the love of the game. You can often see them around the leyline called Bean’s List.

Design — Druids

Druids see and understand the roots that bind all things together and know that everything exists in a balanced harmony. “You just don’t understand! There is nature in everything!” If you don’t know what a design student is yammering on about, they might just turn into a bear and claw you to pieces. Sometimes it’s best to leave druids alone in their groves. Can draw animals real good.

Psychology — Sorcerer

Born with an innate gift of gab, sorcerers have low intelligence, but high charisma. They understand how sex can be powerful, like how sleeping with a dragon can give your grandkids dope ass spells. Sorcerers are able to manipulate the reality of a situation with their innate abilities (gaslighting and affirming language spells). A sorcerer’s unique talent for intuitively tapping into wild magical energies makes them both a liability and a source of strength when working with other adventurers. 

Political Science — Warlocks

The defining traits of a warlock is their high charisma and intimate knowledge of dealing with devils. The warlock bases their power in summoning foul creatures to do their bidding and drawing power from those they either dominate or have a contractual agreement with. These power-hungry intellectuals know how to play in the shadows and are surprisingly good at bargaining.

Music — Monks

Calm, centred, isolated in the far monastery of Allard Hall. Usually pretty chill, but always willing to whoop some ass if needed. Monks are able to harness their inner energies to perform astonishing feats that transcend physical and logical boundaries. It is forbidden to bring bad vibes to a monk’s meditations, even if they’re ‘just’ jamming out some thrash metal. Despite practicing their martial arts in private, monks always welcome a crowd with kindness and gratitude.

English — Bards

Bards are living libraries, full of emotional depth and unseen complexity. Stories are not just spoken phrases or written words to bards, but vibrant energies, full of life, blood, and spirit. Despite being a bit goofy sometimes, bards’ intimate relationships with words grant them the power to inspire, dissuade, or soothe others. They might seem a bit useless when push comes to shove, but are invaluable friends to have. Unless you need some peace and quiet. Can sometimes be gay and do crimes.

Social Work — Paladins

Defenders of the innocent and sworn to protect those in need. Not much needs to be said of paladins — their work speaks for itself. Paladins develop a specific set of skills to fight against annihilation and corruption. Able to find resolve in times of grief, paladins are natural optimists and extremely valuable allies, if not a bit self-righteous. Despite all that, paladins are just like everyone else and need some love too. 

Biological sciences — Clerics

Drawing power from gods and divine realms, a cleric is charged with protecting and understanding life itself. Maybe sometimes a bit too devout, a cleric’s dedication to their prayers and rituals may just save your life one day. Clerics are able to perform great miracles if they’re in tune with the greater forces that they draw wisdom from. Don’t try to understand what they do, just have faith that it’s probably a good thing.

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Graphics by Hayden Carkner