Americans deem Trump an ‘okay dude’
Written by The Other Anna
Illustration by Alley MacLean
US President Donald Trump’s acceptance ratings have soared since his inauguration in January.
In a recent survey from the False News Organization (FNO), over 75,000 Americans identified Trump as a “pretty okay president.”
The online survey asked 82,413 people for their opinions on former President Barack Obama’s replacement, and over 90 per cent of respondents said they were satisfied or very satisfied with Trump’s first few actions as president.
“He’s a real businessman,” said survey respondent Hillary Billee. “In business, sometimes you have to lie. Trump’s doing that all the time, so that must mean he’s really intelligent.”
FNO’s survey asked for the public’s opinions on Trump’s approach to politics regarding the environment and minorities, and for the most part, the response was positive.
“Environmentalism is just about saving trees,” said respondent Ima Ejit. “It’s good that Trump’s making sure we focus on more important things, like getting guns into the hands of as many Americans as possible.”
Another respondent, Justan Imrod, mirrored Ejit’s approval, saying Trump’s travel ban was a “fantastic idea.”
“We were told the new administration would make our country great again, and that’s exactly what’s happening,” he said. “What’s the worst thing that can happen if we give terrorists another reason to hate us?”
A small percentage of the people surveyed, however, reported that they are dissatisfied with Trump’s performance.
“I’m extremely disappointed about Trump’s disregard for the All Lives Matter movement,” said Baseec Bro, who runs a meninist meme page on Instagram. “If there’s anyone who can deliver on men’s rights and white rights, it’s Trump, but he hasn’t appeared to be very focused on those things since being elected.”
He has, however, been focused on maintaining his Twitter account and his tan. According to the FNO, that’s enough to satisfy most Americans.
Critically acclaimed microbrewery literally just an alley in Edmonton
Written by Peter Brewtachio
Photography by Jake Dracula
Microbreweries have been popping up in Edmonton at an alarming rate.
As it stands, there are currently 112 microbreweries in the Edmonton area, with the latest being an alley off of Jasper Avenue, near the Starlight Room.
After word spread among beer connoisseurs and aficionados, brew-lovers from around Alberta have flocked to the alley to try the urban-inspired ales. The lager really has a fresh, autumn hoppiness to it. It’s a beverage you want to sip for taste, rather than tilt back like you would a Budweiser or some other low-tier, poo-poo drink,” beer critic Sam Dunce said.
However, like many other downtown projects, locals fear that the brewery might lead to a widespread gentrification of the area, similar to those associated with the other 111 breweries around the city. “I peed in that trash can and the fella with the beard, wearing the beanie, just came up and gave me eight dollars to drink it out of a glass. I don’t like this alley anymore, and the people who drink my pee creep me out,” local alley dweller Rim Tauf said.
“But hey, eight bucks is eight bucks, am I right?”
Dreamalicious Donald
Written by Sandie Berners
Donald Trump’s fluffy golden locks and Cheeto-kissed glow have won him an audience of the most adoring fangirls. The media have never been so captivated with a politician, and it is easy to see why! From his talk to his walk to his low-hanging tie, The Donald has it all.
Donald’s incredible host of fans tweet their love at him daily, and the gracious star always takes time to fire back. Fans love him for his wit, positivity, and detailed plans of action that move America forward in a way that includes everyone. The man’s presence is enchanting, and audiences often get lost in his dreamy eyes. He really is just so darling.
Men from every corner of the world are striving to meet the standard of excellence set by President Trump, and women can only dream of being in Melania’s place. Oh, to wake up to that face!
Donald Trump is a revolutionary, an icon, and just a real star. He leaves screaming crowds in his wake and is shaking up the country from coast to coast. He truly is America’s sweetheart.
Demonic entity possesses Building 6 soda machine, nobody stops using it
Written by Mack Donald
Students and faculty became quite alarmed Tuesday morning when the new soda machine sitting across from Booster Juice in Building 6 began wailing and floating in the air.
Annie Dinker, a first-year biology student, was minding her own business and attempting to use the machine when it began emitting strange, guttural noises.
“It was really weird,” says Dinker. “First it was asking me if I wanted to try out the new lime flavour enhancer. Next thing I know, I get an on-screen message telling me the date and exact time of my death.”
The scene only became more chaotic when maintenance staff arrived to check out what they assumed was a simple malfunction. Randy Farp, who has worked as a maintenance employee with MacEwan University for the past 15 years, says he’s never seen anything like it.
“We went to the machine, and as my coworker Gene started opening up the thing, all of a sudden the front of it morphs into a big set of teeth. That’s when it bit Gene’s arm off. Also, a few minutes later, I tried getting root beer, and it gave me ginger ale! Something is seriously wrong here.”
This series of events caused distress among MacEwan cafeteria-goers throughout the day, but an email sent out to students by the university appealed for calm, and offered some directions to avoid unpleasantness when using the machine.
“We’ve been led to understand the soda machine in Building 6 is having a few mechanical issues,” the email reads. “Given this, the university advises that, if using the machine, students should not select the option for ‘the power to boil the blood of thine enemies in exchange for thine soul.’”
Although the machine has been responsible for five lost limbs, blindings from acid spray, and the growth of goat horns in its users, these incidents have not stopped regular customers like second-year student Petey Peppers from operating it.
“Where else can I grab me some of that sweet vanilla-flavoured Coke?” Petey says. “I think that my first-born child is a fine trade-off for my daily fix. I don’t even like kids anyway.”
At the time of writing, the problem behind the machine has not been solved, and the rate of maulings and eviscerations has not slowed, leading this writer to conclude that these kids should probably drink more water.
COVER PHOTO WAS EDITED, HERE’S THE ORIGINAL BY nosha ON FLICKR, CC-BY-SA
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