October: Current State of Horror
The way he’s holding this kind of reminds me of King Arthur pulling the sword out of the stone.
And the stone is the house.
The house kind of reminds me of Monster House. I’m more scared of the house than I am the dude with the knife.
It would be really cool to have a crossover of Halloween and Monster House, where Michael Myers enters the house, and then he stabs its uvula.
It’s like the neighbourhood bully. “Look at me, I have two and a half bathrooms.”
Check out my sick ensuite, biatch.
November: Mental Health Funding
This is like a twisted version of Alice in Wonderland, except, like, instead of spiraling into a new world, he’s just spiraling into a deep, deep depression.
He has no body. He’s just legs, arms, and a head. Maybe that’s why he’s sad.
I’m just wondering why his shoes are about a third of the size of his legs.
You know what they say about big shoes? Big feet.
You know what they say about big feet? No torso.
His hair just doesn’t work on his head … He’s kind of got a Donald Trump thing going on.
That should have been the Halloween cover.
January: Gendered Contraception
The position of the girl’s mouth is like, “Aw, the patriarchy’s at it again.”
That’s a lot of pills … Homegirl must get real busy.
But she has, like, four IUDs. How many uteruses can one person have?
This is what every guy looks like in the two minutes before he’s about to lose his virginity.
‘I’ve been keeping this condom in my wallet
for years.’
His torso sort of looks like a face, but with nipples for eyes.
Like a tired face.
‘I’m so tired of having to pack around this one form of birth control.’
February: Meat Tax
I have beef with this cover.
This is just a piece of meat…?
The leather edition.
When I open the magazine, I better hear a cow scream.
It’s just a white background, like — where is it sitting? That’s not a plate, it’s not a counter, what’s it on?
A photographer brought a piece of meat to the Apple iStore, slapped it down, took a picture, and ran away.
They probably left the meat there … The new iMeat.
This is offensive to vegetarians. When, oh when, are we going to get a cover with a piece of broccoli on it? End foodism now!
I’d make another meat pun, but I’d probably butcher it.
March: YEG Drag Culture
We get it: you’re radical intersectional feminists.
The March issue of the griff, sponsored by Vice.
We’re trying so hard to be edgy and with the times, but drag queens have been popular since the ‘70s.
This is me on a Friday night.
She kind of looks like she has indigestion … It’s like a bio queen got paid to endorse Pepto Bismol, so the all-pink background doesn’t work.
Bring back the white background.
#BringBackTheMeat
I feel like her eyebrows are raised that high because she’s like, ‘I know there’s other stuff that’s going to be in this magazine, but you better believe it’s not going to be the kind of good stuff that this story’s going to be.’
April: Spring is Here
In what world is Edmonton this nice in summer?
It looks like Edmonton, but not really.
Since when is Edmonton in the Everglades?
It looks like Poison Ivy threw up all over this picture of the city.
Nice watercolours, nerd.
I bet the artist is super proud of this, but little do you know her third-grade nephew got a 60 per cent on this in art class.
Good thing she included the only bridge to downtown Edmonton.
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