Aries: Mar. 21 to April 19
If something’s not going as planned, maybe it’s time to climb a tree and look at things from new heights. From up so high, maybe you’ll be able to see all the cool possibilities. And what’s more fun than seeing cars look like little ants? Have fun and let go, my good dude.
Taurus: April 20 to May 20
When you close your eyes are you thinking of too many things? Sing a little diddy, my buddy, nothing to stress about. Paint a picture to figure out what you want, then take you and your paint brush forward into battle.
Gemini: May 21 to June 21
AHH SOMETHING’S COMING! Look there! No, behind you! Oh. Actually, it’s not that bad. You’re good. Give a flower to a small human and all will be well. If you don’t, there might be a curse. Maybe.
Cancer: June 22 to July 22
Hey. Whatcha making over there? Oh come on, show us. You really don’t want to share? Fine. It’s yours, after all. We’ll be waiting with baited breath to see what you’ve been working on, though. No pressure.
Leo: July 23 to Aug. 22
To get clarity this month, go outside and lie under the glow of the full moon. If it’s too cold, get a blanket. If it’s too snowy, get some snow pants. Don’t be so resistant, try something wacky and feel those feelings, girlypop.
Virgo: Aug. 23 to Sep.22
Read a book with a sword by your side, then maybe take a yoga class. Point is, balance is important for you this month. Stretch your mind, body, and be prepared for anything that comes your way at a moment’s notice.
Libra: Sep. 23 to Oct. 23
DEATH. It’s spring, the season of rebirth! No longer are we shackled by the death and cold of winter. Take this as a sign: you can’t die! You are now immortal. You go girl!
Scorpio: Oct. 24 to Nov. 21
Reaping what you sow, patience paying off in a material way, saving up. It’s time to reap what you sowed. And I’m not talking about you working hard, you actually planted seeds while you were sleepwalking! There are potatoes growing everywhere now! Ahh!
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your passion is bringing you closer to those you love this month. It’s a fiery passion that cannot be doused. It burns so hot that things are igniting around you. Be careful not to set anyone on fire, human torch!
Capricorn: Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
This month marks a time of faith, exploration, and courage. Start a cult! Find a way to manipulate your peers to your advantage. Alternatively, discover a new continent and name it after yourself.
Aquarius: Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have drive. Take control! Grab onto the steering wheel and hit the gas, because you will need to maintain a bus’ speed at 50 miles per hour or over to prevent it from blowing up. Yipes!
Pisces: Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
It’s time to walk away and leave some things behind. Go east, past the river Anduin to Mordor. You must take the One Ring to rule them all to Mount Doom and drop it into the lava to destroy it and defeat Sauron. The realm entrusts thee with this quest